A couple of weeks ago I was invited to attend a round table for the topic of “children in academics” at JP Morgan. I sent it to Adam and thought we should check it out. On the night of the event, Adam had to bail and I was so close to backing out but I decided to go and I’m so glad that I did. They served wine and cheese upon arrival which immediately made me feel comfortable since I was on my own and knew nobody in attendance (I hate being alone, hate it). The speaker was Jason Convissar, the founder of the Clever Learning Company. I was immediately excited by the conversation that he started which never really ended up being about academics but more about behavior which I value as a topic because I struggle with my boys especially now that they are getting older and I’m getting see their personalities shake out. The discussion began with children and how they can be so difficult that you want to ring their neck but instead of ringing their neck you need to be sweet as pie and exude confidence and have all the answers. Of course as I was listening and getting all starry eyed dreaming of this world where you speak to your children calmly and then I realized…

WTF is this guy saying? It’s impossible to be calm when your child does something that makes you angry.

I raised my hand and said, Jay. Really? When you’re in the heat of the moment, are you able to look at your kids and say, honey, it’s gonna be ok. We’ll work this out, calm down and then we’ll talk.

It’s so much easier said than done.

I’m a yeller. Always have been, always will be. I came from parents who were yellers. It’s hard for me to control. My immediate reaction when my children do something to make me upset is to yell it out, let out my frustration and then when we’re all calm, which sometimes can take up to a full day. Then, I have calming, helpful, confident conversations with them to discuss what happened and how we can be better go forward.

What I loved about Jay’s feedback in this round table was when he spoke about unity, process and resilience. He had many more categories but these were the ones that I remembered and identified with.

Unity: This may be the single most important thing when it comes to parenting. If you’re not on the same page as your co-parent, you form sides. Families are teams and you don’t want to create any division within your team.

Process: This one is hard for me - but one that I am committed to working on and was a hot topic at the round table. When the kids do good or bad on a test in school I’m either like OMG! AMAZING GRADE! Or hmmmm…why didn’t you do better? Where did you go wrong?

The right answer is - (good grade example):
Gavin, amazing work! You worked so hard to get that grade. I know that you studied and focused on preparing for this test.
The point is to discuss the process of how you got the good grade (ie. focus, studying hard, dedication) and not just celebrate the final result.

Resilience: This one is big in my home because I have children who are far from modest, which they get from me. Confidence is probably the best quality my children could have inherited from me however they sometimes take it to the extreme and are too cocky or brag too much or are too competitive. I raised my hand and asked Jay about this in the round table as well. He said, competitiveness in a child is the best. It is what makes children successful when they grow up. Do not ever question it. But what they need to understand and learn is that it’s OK to fail and when they fail, they need to know they will do better next time. This builds resilience so they will never give up.

After the round table ended, I wanted to learn more more more. So I scheduled a session with Jay. He came over to our home and met with the kids. We then had a discussion (first with the kids, then without) about strategies for strengthening the behavior by way of our communication in our home. A few of his suggestions that stood out to me are -

Tone is imperative: Sound confident and definite. Don’t yell. Don’t lose your cool. Don’t fight fire with fire.
(Since meeting him, I have failed in this. My tone = yelling and I have not yet been able to control that - speaking honestly here).

Do not use threat/consequence, use outcome/action: Instead of saying, “If you don’t clean up you won’t be able to go”, Say, “If you’d like to go, you’ll need to clean up first”. Then walk away, ball is in their court now.

Teach to inspire - not only when correcting: Identify opportunities to reinforce desirable behaviors. Compliment the boys when they listen well or when they choose the safer option. Make these moments the attention they seek.

Family Motto/Crest: Create a family identity that you can all rally behind.
(We created: Kertzners Kill with Kindness)

Create some inside jokes / something you share alone with your children or child: Something funny or simple but it’s just about you and them. Establish a new element to your relationship.

Pick your battles: You can NOT control it all. Is it necessary to engage? Think about it before you do case by case.

Again, Jay provided many more tips but these were my favorites.

So what’s the bottom line here? Parenting is the single hardest job in the entire world. Do I have all of the answers? Not even close. Am I doing a good job? Meh. I often feel like a total failure but I know I’m doing my best and always seeking help when I need it. I also know that my kids sleep through the night and eat balanced, healthy meals which is half the battle. The most important thing to me, my family and my parenting style? LOVE. That’s my #1 best piece of advice. Love Love Love the heck out of your kids and make sure, they know how much you love them. No matter how much I yell, how angry I get or how badly I want to strangle them sometimes, I love them to death and I tell them that about 40 times a day. Every night, we fight before bed with: I love you more. No I love you more. NO I love you MORE. No I do!